Why Are There No Positive Side Effects?

Once you start cancer treatment you spend a lot of time talking about side effects.

Whether it’s surgery, radiation, or chemotherapy your doctor will begin by telling you all of the unintended consequences that may happen and then you will spend months in follow-ups telling the nurses about all of the side effects that do happen.

I get it…there’s a lot of cutting going on, radiation flying, and powerful drugs coursing through you.  Shit's gonna happen. The variety of side effects is amazing.  Over 10 years I’ve had just about every one you could imagine.  Oh, except hair loss…the chemo drugs used for colon cancer do not typically cause hair loss.  That would have been great except I’m mostly bald anyway,

So here’s what I don’t understand: With all of the powerful cutting, radiation, and drugs causing these random events in your body, why are none of those side effects positive?

Like why does your doctor never say: “This chemo may give you diarrhea and cause your scalp to bleed…but, oddly, you also will temporarily have vision like an eagle.”  Or “You’ll lose some hearing but your penis is going to double in size.”

The only side effect I had that could be considered even remotely positive was from one drug that made my eyelashes extra long.  And by extra long, I mean they were like one inch long.  They rubbed the inside of my glasses.  Carol started calling me Bambi and had to trim them every few days so I could see properly.  

For me, looking like I was headed to a drag show but only had time to do my eyes was not a real positive but it was certainly better than when the skin peeled off my face.